Today was strange. I got up very early to go and take some pictures in the morning light. I walked in the woods while the most beautiful light streamed through the trees, the kind of beauty that is overwhelming and makes me want to take a million photos to capture it all. I had my sweet dog who has the hilarious ability to either place herself perfectly in a photo, or completely bomb it, there is no in between. We shared banana muffins and coffee (for me) at the top of a hillside that leaves me breathless. It was a beautiful morning!
I wanted to sit in the woods all day and just feel the sun on me up in the chilly mountains. Maybe I should have.
As I was coming down the mountain and making my way back home, I started feeling anxious, over nothing in particular. And I would say that is one of the most frustrating things about the anxiety that I tend to have, I cannot say ‘Oh this is what is bothering me, and here is how I can fix it’. It is just there, and sometimes it can be very heavy.
As the day wore on, it turned into more of a certain anxiety, the kind I am very used to and realize that most likely, tomorrow, it will be totally gone, so I try not to let it take much hold. It is the story where it is like some bad spirit tells me everything I do is pointless—the work I create, what I post online for the world to see, the life I am trying to build, how I relate to people, my mostly solitary existence, the path I am walking, every facet of my being. I cannot do much when this cloud settles except focus on creating to distract my mind from the hole it seems to be sucked down into.
So I got a lot done on my sweater I am knitting! A stitch knitted that contained a worry, a stitch knitted that let it go, over and over again. The sleeves are attached to the body and I am in the first few rows of my favorite part of Icelandic designs—the beautiful collar with patterns. If I wake up tomorrow and still feel like I’m imploding, I’m just going to sit all day and work on my sweater and not feel guilty about using my time that way.
I also made a big mug of ayurvedic tea power to bring some balance, ate some good soup, and took a long hot shower. These things do chase the bad away.
The rainbows that shined on the sweater made me feel better in a way. And heavens, yes, that one sleeve is a mess. That is the one that I had to reknit twice, so the yarn is a little kinky. Some soaking will fix it up when I block the sweater upon completion.
I think tomorrow I’m also going to make a delicious breakfast and make some treats for an upcoming road trip.
Now I’m going to sink into my bed, feel the cold air come in my window, and pray for good to fill my heart tomorrow and outshine the bad. Perhaps I will also dream of the little film I will make with the lovely footage I was able to capture of the forest today.
Good night~